


may cause the following side effects

by requiemzoe



Series: ow ouch the hallucination fic [2]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Closure, Companion Piece, F/F, Medication, Therapy, bit of a sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-02 08:57:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18807913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/requiemzoe/pseuds/requiemzoe
Summary: a companion fic to whole days turn into holes in my mind, also known as the hallucination fic.





	may cause the following side effects

**Author's Note:**

> hey, so, a few things  
> 1, sorry for leaving this whole site abandoned for so long haha yikes. an ending to nobody knows the me that you do is in the works I PROMISE  
> 2, this is totally different, a little bit of closure for the hallucination fic because i felt it was needed . not my favorite thing I've ever written tbh felt cute might delete later  
> see u l8r bitches

** Blossom, Cheryl  **

** Therapy Session #26 : 06.25.18 **

** Synthesia, Anxiety, (Possible Bipolar) Depressive With Delusional Episodes. Three year history of medication. Risperdal, Zoloft.  **

Risperdal has proved to be ineffective. Patient was found seizing on her bedroom floor by her mother, who seems more angry at her daughter than at me. Very unsettling, as Cheryl cannot control her brain and how it reacts to certain chemicals. 

Cheryl is not happy about this slip. Audio clip inserted. 

_ [The distant sound of something breaking. Cheryl has pushed the candy bowl off of the desk.] _

_ Cheryl: “God damn it!” _

_ Keller: “Cheryl, please. Let’s talk about this.” _

_ Cheryl: “What is there to talk about? Your stupid fucking happy pills made me almost bite my own tongue off.” _

_ Keller: “Not all medication is effective the first time! What’s important is that we keep trying until we find what works for you.” _

_ Cheryl: [significantly quieter and calmed down.] “I haven’t seen Toni.” _

_Keller: [exhausted-sounding] “Okay. I’m taking you off all medications . Your body needs time to rest and recover. It-“_

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t discouraged either, but this is just a blip. Hopefully, in the future, we can try other antipsychotics that are more suitable. 

** Blossom, Cheryl  **

** Therapy Session #34 : 07.02.18 **

** Extreme Synthesia, Anxiety, Depressive With Delusional Episodes, Possible Insomniac. Three year history of medication. Zoloft. Depakote.  **

Depakote is proving to be effective, patient is no longer complaining of migraines. 

Cheryl was in a significantly better mood today. Folded paper cranes and tied cherry stems by Sweetwater River with “Toni”. Today, I didn’t question Toni’s existence, but I will next session. 

I’ve searched public records for anyone with the name Toni or Tony, and was yielded approximately nothing. 

I suggested ECT. Audio Clip Inserted. 

_ Cheryl: “Are you kidding?” _

_ Keller: “The modern procedure is safe and clean and simple. It’s/ barely enough to light a one hundred watt bulb.” _

_ Cheryl: [talking over him, clearly agitated] /You’re not gonna hook me up and try to fry my brain out just because I describe things differently than you!” _

This argument went on for twenty minutes. These morning sessions are exhausting for both of us, so we’ll be moving to afternoon times. 

Synthesia is worsening. Called me pink-purple-black and likened her emotions (?) to a tsunami, repeating “I’m drowning.” as she was slipping into a panic attack. A lot of her descriptions include water, possibly due to the trauma at Sweetwater?

 

** Blossom, Cheryl  **

** Therapy Session #34 : 07.03.18 **

** Extreme Synthesia, Anxiety, Depressive With Delusional Episodes, Possible Insomniac. Three year history of medication. Zoloft, Xanax, and Adderall are indicated.  **

I’ve assigned Cheryl a new cocktail of medications. I can tell she’s distracted as she’s talking to me, too entertained by whatever she’s hallucinating to focus on a conversation. Her hands are constantly fidgeting. Her mother says she’s been losing more and more hours of sleep every night. Cheryl insists this isn’t true, but I’m not sure how much I trust either of them. 

Hopefully, one of these works. Zoloft has been effective thus far, but I am nervous about the side effects of Xanax. 

Adderall is important. Cheryl can’t focus. Her head is constantly on a swivel, and she skips over her words. The Xanax will calm her down, but the Adderall will counteract it while keeping her alert. Hopefully. 

 

** Blossom, Cheryl  **

** Therapy Session #34 : 07.05.18 **

** Extreme Synthesia, Anxiety, Depressive With Delusional Episodes, Possible Insomniac. Three year history of medication. Not medicated At the Moment.  **

Cheryl came in today practically comatose. Apparently she drove herself here that way. She giggled whenever asked anything, claiming she felt like “TV static and periwinkle”. I’m not sure what that means (most likely related to feeling like she wasn't in control, as that's what blue has been described as by the patient), but we’re pulling all medication. None of them are working other than the Zoloft, and I can’t bear to see her like this.

Cheryl seems to forget things often, remembering the loss of her brother yet again today and having an entirely new breakdown over it. 

Letting her body recover for a few weeks until trying new meds. Spoken therapy will continue. 

 

** Blossom, Cheryl  **

** Therapy Session #76 : 08.14.18 **

** Extreme Synthesia, Anxiety, Depressive With Delusional Tendencies. Three year history of medication. At the moment, not medicated. **

Cheryl is showing strong insomnia symptoms, but refuses to be put on any medication. Audio clip inserted. 

_ Keller: “Cheryl, you have a chronic illness and it can and will kill you. Please.” _

_ Cheryl: “I’ll deal with it on my own. I’m doing good so far, right? But you know what won’t help? Putting me on a shit ton of medication and drugging me up. Making me a vegetable. At the very least, making me sleep through the night so I can’t talk to my best friend.” _

_ Keller: “So what does help, then?” _

_ [A long pause. Thick with tension.] _

_ Cheryl: “Toni.” _

[End of audio clip.] Incredibly frustrated. 

**Blossom, Cheryl**

** Therapy Session #76 : 08.14.18 **

**Extreme Synthesia, Anxiety, Depressive With Delusional Tendencies. Three year history of medication. At the moment, not medicated. LIMIT PHYSICAL CONTACT.**

It seems we’re making no headway into this situation with Cheryl’s, pardon the crude term, imaginary friend. She is so convinced in her defenses of “Toni”’s existence that she believes they found a bunker together. I suggested that Toni might’ve been anything less than real, and she lashed out on me. New methods will have to be tried. ECT is an option. Antipsychotics cause seizures and bipolar episodes. In that case, the cure is worse than the symptom.

Very agitated when I even suggest Risperdal. I can’t say I blame her. Her mother would rather have her seizing than talking to a delusion. 

The patient read Flowers For Algernon, changed the subject when I brought up Charlie Gordon’s insecurities manifesting into a hallucination of a younger version of himself. 

Incredibly jumpy. Almost choked on a lollipop today when I leaned forward slightly. I’m starting to think that Toni is the result of repressed memories of the repeated sexual abuse of her previous therapist. She seems to not know what I’m talking about when I suggest Dr. Glass did anything more than physically abuse her. I’m not sure I’m ready to tell her. 

** Blossom, Cheryl **

** Therapy Session #77 : 08.15.18 **

** Extreme Synthesia, Anxiety, Depressive With Delusional Tendencies. Three year history of medication. Ativan is indicated. LIMIT PHYSICAL CONTACT.  **

Cheryl looks like a skeleton. Her appearance has been decreasing, but there is no lack of hygiene or self care. As detailed in session #68, her seven-step skincare regimen has not faltered. The only signs that her mental state is anything less than healthy is the way her eyes are seemingly sinking in, akin to someone with sleep apnea, or something of the sort. I’m putting her on Lorazepam (Ativan) to prevent this. If it’s effective, I might be able to get her on Paroxetene (Paxil). Risperdal, as mentioned in the past five sessions, was ineffective. Patient is not happy about this, but one antipsychotic is the exception, not the rule. Quote from today’s session, “The Risperdal made me colorblind. I might as well have been a dog.”

Reads hallucination-heavy literature (Most recently, Daniel 6. Before that, Catcher in The Rye and Flowers For Algernon). It’s allegedly the only thing she can see well. I wonder why that is. If antipsychotics are ineffective, ECT may be a viable option. As long as she doesn’t bite my head off for suggesting it. 

Schizophrenic symptoms when it comes to her vision. I’m still undecided on treatment. 

** Blossom, Cheryl **

** Therapy Session #78 : 08.22.18 **

** Extreme Synthesia, Anxiety, Depressive With Delusional Tendencies. Three year history of medication. Ativan. LIMIT PHYSICAL CONTACT.  **

Our first session in a week, due to personal issues. Cheryl looked incredibly guilty today, over a reported altercation with Toni. She talks about Toni wistfully, with a dreamy look in her eyes, affectionate as I’ve ever seen her. It’s heartbreaking, watching her develop feelings for a ghost. 

She had a breakdown over a candy bar, claiming it’s Toni’s favorite before rushing out to go talk to her. I don’t even have the energy to make her stay. She left twenty minutes ago. I’ve been sitting here poring over notes and possible treatments, but nothing is making sense.

 

** Blossom, Cheryl **

** Therapy Session #78 : 08.23.18 **

** Extreme Synthesia, Anxiety, Depressive With Delusional Tendencies. Three year history of medication. Ativan. LIMIT PHYSICAL CONTACT.  **

Disaster. Cheryl had one of the biggest relapses I’ve ever seen when her mother (albeit bluntly) told her about the sexual abuse she endured with Dr. Glass. She immediately passed out, whispered something about food, which i’m guessing is referencing the saying “food for thought.” Audio Clip Inserted:

_ Keller: “Keep thinking about Daniel. Food for thought.” _

_Cheryl: [Resigned] “Food for thought_.”

I tried to convince her mother to have her properly sedated, isolated, restrained, etc... as she is a danger to herself. Her mother would have none of it. Extremely frustrating. I doubt I’ll ever see her again, her mother was incessantly mumbling about sending her off to a religious organization in Sweden. 

I’m so frustrated. We could’ve avoided this. I don’t know how, but we could’ve. I’ll be in touch with Penelope to explore the options of ECT and new medications. They aren’t going to pray her mental illness away.

Goddamnit. 

 

_** [This entry is scribbled on a mini legal pad, the one containing all notes from Cheryl Blossom’s therapy sessions. Handwriting is frantic and messy.] ** _

** Blossom, Cheryl 08.25.18 **

Killed herself yesterday. Drowned herself in Sweetwater River, where her brother died.

Toni is real. I just saw her at the funeral. She looks just like Cheryl described, apart from the more eccentric descriptions, like the ones of her teeth. Maybe a result of the medication. 

Fucking useless medication.

She made eye contact with me for a moment while she was looking around the room, but her eyes landed on the casket at the front of the room and she lost it. She was dragged out kicking and screaming, saying things that sounded similar to Cheryl’s stimuli descriptions. She locked eyes with me on the way out, and I went outside to meet her as soon as I could. 

She was smoking a cigarette when I saw her, leaning against the wall. Her eyes were puffy and her hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I feel so guilty. I feel so fucking guilty. When she saw me, she immediately threw the smoke and went to punch me, but the emotions got to her and she ended up hitting me weakly and crying. “You didn’t do enough! You knew she was- You knew I was real! You just wanted to convince her she was crazy!”

“What’s your name?” I asked her. She paused at that. “Toni, I know, but your full name?”

“Antoinette Topaz.” Body language was anxious. She never stopped crying. 

No wonder I couldn’t find her in public records. Her name is Antoinette, not Toni or Tony like I had been looking for. 

“Oh, shit.” I mumbled, albeit unprofessional of me. She looked so crushed. I killed this girl’s best friend, her only friend for all I know. And all I said was oh shit. Toni said “She died thinking no one loved her.” and I could hear the quiver in her voice but suddenly she looked stony, cold, strong. I said, “I didn’t know... I thought you were-“

She cut me off with a dry laugh, just shook her head, pinched the bridge of her nose. “She’s dead and she thinks I never existed. So, thanks for that.”

I don’t know how long I stood there begging for forgiveness, but Toni never wavered in her incessant denial. She just kept saying, “She’s dead because of me. And you. And her mother.” and “You could’ve helped her.” and “You just put her on all these meds, and none of them helped. Half the time, she wasn’t even taking them.”

She didn’t believe my story of me not knowing that she was alive. She’s fixated on the fact that Cheryl is dead, and it’s my fault. 

The worst part is that she’s not wrong. Fuck. FUCK

[The bottom half of the legal pad is a mess of black ink, a frustrated scribble.]

** Blossom, Cheryl 08.31.18 **

I invited Toni into my office for a talk. To my surprise, she actually showed up.

To say she's got a lot going on is an understatement. She hasn't attended school since last year, as she had to drop out to take care of her younger siblings. Quote, "By take care of, I mean I had to protect them. From my Dad. That was when things started getting bad... blue, black, red, so much..." The parental system going on at home is practically nonexistent.

All I can do for her is provide her with resources. I'm offering her a job as a paid intern for my office, as she's extremely intelligent and could really use the money. She looked delighted when I mentioned it. I truly hope she takes it. Who knows, maybe she'll become a therapist too. Hopefully a better one than me.

I feel horrible about what happened with Cheryl, like anyone would. Not a day passes that I don't think about it. Toni is a living, breathing reminder. The least I can do is make it up to her with a job, as long as she can forgive me, which she told me she'd try to do. Talking about all her issues seems to help Toni immensely. 

Things might be looking up.


End file.
